October 26, 2009

 You Better Say Something!

 Communicate and Respond Part 1

Men complain that women talk too much and women complain that men don’t talk enough. Relationships go on year after year with no real progress being made because when people do talk they say what they think the other person wants to hear. They don’t say what they really mean or need to say.

We don’t say what we really mean because we are afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. We may think it is just none of our business or it’s just not worth the headache. No one wants to deal with the confrontation that might take place if we say what we really think so we walk around in silence. This does not just occur in male/female relationships. It happens in our families and work relationships. It happens in our churches, businesses and partnerships.

In our efforts to keep the peace we allow things to get out of control. Bitterness begins to seep into our minds and our hearts. The husband who does not say anything to his wife about the extra pounds she has gained or the change he would like to see her make in her appearance, whether it be hair, clothing, makeup or something as simple as the perfume she wears or does not wear allows what he really wants to continue to stir around in his mind, but he never addresses her, the one that can change it.

Maybe he has said something before and it went nowhere, so instead of getting into the same argument or taking a chance that he might get into the same argument again, he says nothing.

He thinks he will just have to live with this forever she will never change and neither will the situation, because yes, this can be situational. Maybe he hates coming home to a dirty house, dishes in the sink, her sitting around in a duster, with rollers in her hair or sitting on the phone and barely looking up when he walks in because whatever she is talking about is apparently more important than he is.

He thinks he is just dealing with it, but in his heart and in his head he is not. In actuality his heart is slowly turning away from his relationship and he is becomes distracted by other women he finds more attractive. Women who do pay attention to how they look and think he is the greatest thing in the world. They would do anything for him and he does not have to say anything to them. What’s the real reason you won’t say anything?

• Don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings?
• Afraid that the person does not love or respect you enough to honor your request or even hear it?
  
• Fear of the confrontation that will be created by saying something?
  
• You’ve been here before, you’ve said it all before and nothing changed?

Now this does not have to be the husband with these complaints. Maybe the wife is tired of sharing her husband with the boys or the child is tired of never having dinner or time for them because the mother is always to busy with her friends..

Think about it this could be a lot of relationship issues that no one ever talks about. The family friend or relative that everyone knows is a pervert, but no one will say anything. They allow the perversion to continue unchecked because no one wants to be the bad guy.

What’s different this time? How do I communicate my feelings about the situation differently this time? Am I more concerned about resolving the situation or being right? Am I willing to work through it and listen to what they have to say as well or do I just want my way? Ask yourself these questions so you can identify your true motivation before you say something.

1. Start by praying for yourself and your communication style. Pray for it not to be offensive.
   
2. Pray for the right and pure heart from you as the communicator and for the person that is on the other end of your communication to be receptive. Pray for God to prepare them to hear what you have to say. No attitudes and no misunderstandings. No hurt feelings, just understanding. Pray that they will hear what you are saying from your heart.
3. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). That means you can’t go to them when you are upset or angry. Don’t try to talk when you are feeling emotional, because it won’t come out right for either person. You will say the wrong thing and they will hear the wrong thing.

Don’t ignore the things that are bothering you because something that starts out small will grow into something big and a root of bitterness will be planted. Take a chance and say what’s in your heart and on your mind, but do it in love.

A friend that I respect shared with me that the gray in my hair did not fit my face. It made me look older by about 10 years. That had been a problem for years, but nothing had ever been said for fear of hurting my feelings, so I never knew. Many of my friends complimented me on it.

A week before my friend shared his feelings about my hair, the Holy Spirit had already spoken to my spirit about coloring it. My friend came to me from a very caring and loving place. I could see the effort it took for him to share with me what was on his mind. He did not know that I had already been prepared for what he was going to say and I did not know what he was going to say. We were both open and obedient. Prayer causes that.

If you want the relationship with your family, friend, spouse or significant other to grow, you better say something, but speak the truth in love, because God may have already gone before you and prepared the way. Walk in it. Don’t waste any more time allowing bitterness to grow or allowing division between you, Say something.

Scripture:

Ephesians 4:15:
15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.